September -- Z'rizut / Enthusiasm

Since the advent of the DVR and the ability to pause live TV, I rarely watch a commercial. Sometimes, I am simply eager to get to the next scene in the show. At other times, I see my time as a precious commodity and would rather watch the show than the filler commercials. (I’m continually amazed that so many "30 minute" shows are actually no more than 22 minutes.) My remote control has an option for fast forwarding at varying speeds or jumping 30 seconds with the touch of a button. More often than not, I misjudge how quickly I need to fast forward or how many times I need to push the quick jump button and I miss the opening of the show’s scene. In my enthusiasm, I miss out on potentially important dialogue and then need to rewind. In the end, the time I save by pushing the fast forward button "one more time" may be lost in the time it takes to rewind. Luckily, rewinding is possible with my TV. In life, however, we do not get the chance to rewind. We can try things again. We can even get "do-overs". However, once time has been spent, it cannot be retrieved. Sometimes in our enthusiasm, we miss out on life.

Of course, the other side of the spectrum can be equally as destructive. If we cannot stir up our z’rizut/enthusiasm, we may want to spend our entire day in front of the TV, perhaps even watching the commercials.

The Mussar tradition teaches us that we are to both study and exercise our values. For z’rizut/enthusiasm, this might mean identifying where in life we need more or less of this trait. In our zeal, do we run over other people (either physically or metaphorically) or miss out on important experiences or relationships? In our lack of enthusiasm, do we fail to follow through on commitments and let ourselves and others down? If either scenario sounds familiar, the next step is to identify areas in our daily lives where we can work on the opposite of our ingrained patterns. For instance, I might commit to pausing for two minutes every hour to do a simple self check-in and to be present to the moment. On the other hand, I might make a simple list everyday of the projects, phone calls, errands or chores that I would like to complete. Often times in mussar practice, we will even add a mantra to our daily routine or write key words on a post-it note to "slow down" or "light a fire."

I hope that you will join me in working on z’rizut/enthusiasm this month. If you are inspired to delve deeper into this spiritual practice, please register for one of our Seasons of Mussar courses that are beginning Tuesday morning September 20th or Monday night October 24th. We would be enthused to welcome you to either group. For more information, please contact the Temple office or visit our website: www.adatelohim.org/education/adulteducation/souljourneys.

May we all have a month of balanced z’rizut,

Rabbi Ted Riter

May -- Tzniut / Modesty

I took my first trip to Israel during the summer before my senior year in high school. I remember diligently going through my packing list for this 6 week trip and making sure that I would not forget a thing – we were warned that the prices would be much higher in Israel. I especially remember that boys and girls had different requirements for clothing. In particular, the girls on this trip were supposed to bring “modest” clothing for trips to religious sites. And indeed, when we entered certain synagogues, mosques, churches and neighborhoods, there were signs not-so-gently warning of “appropriate” clothing.

Tzniut, the Hebrew term for modesty, is a source of contention these days in Israel. Some Orthodox religious authorities are demanding segregated bussing to ensure tzniut and attacks on “immodestly dressed” women are not uncommon. These extremes notwithstanding, there is still a value to the practice of tzniut.

Tzniut is traditionally understood to refer to both modesty of clothing and practice. In our modern world, a better description might be formed in a question: “Am I wearing clothing and accessories, purchasing items, or doing certain things to get people to look at me?”  Judaism does not call for us to hide what we have or who we are. However, our tradition does point out that if we are constantly craving attention, our energy is focused in the wrong direction.

The month of May at TAE is devoted to the practice of Modesty / Tzniut. Please join me this month in making a commitment to refocus our attention on the needs of others.

L’Shalom,

Rabbi Ted Riter

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One extremely important Jewish value and one that is most overlooked, is the concept   of tzniyut (modesty). What do we want to teach our children about modesty? How do we intend to model it for them? Many in the community tend to think of modesty as an Orthodox issue. But modesty is a Jewish issue.

Modesty isn’t just about dress. It also means making good choices about how we look
and act. When we dress in a way that is modest, modesty in speech and behavior tend to follow. To model modesty for our children, when we speak to others try to maintain humility and dignity.  Try also not to speak negatively about others.  Modesty in speech also relates to the positive things we tell people about ourselves. We should be careful to not spend an excessive amount of time bragging to others about ourselves, our families, and our worlds. Some things can and should remain private.

One of the better-known instances of the term “tzniyut” in the Bible occurs in the Book of Micah. In Chapter 6, the prophet Micah proclaims, “You have been told what is good, and what God requires of you; only to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly or modestly (hatzne’a) with your God.” This helps us to understand the important Jewish value of tzniyut. Just as we carry ourselves before God with reserve, with dignity, and without arrogance, we should also carry ourselves in our daily lives.

Our children live in a world where everything is in the open. It would be a gift to ourselves, our families, and our community to give this concept of tzniyut attention and model it in attitude, dress, speech and behavior for our children.

Contributed by Michelle Princenthal

April -- Savlanut / Patience

Do you remember when overnight mail made its debut? It amazed us that we could get a package from coast to coast in 24 hours. The fax machine picked up the pace even more. We could feed a piece of paper into a machine in our office, hear the beeps at the target destination and within a few minutes, our print out could transfer from our hand to a recipient miles away. Email brought a whole new dimension to the speed at which we communicate. A push of a button and our message zoomed from one computer to another.

Today, in the age of the internet, many of us bemoan the idea of traipsing down to the post office to mail an overnight package. Or, we cringe at the thought of waiting for the fax to connect, the paper to roll through the machine, and the printing to occur on the other side. Today, we even drum our fingers restlessly, wondering why everyone has not switched to handheld devices to respond to our “important” emails. We expect things now! Not tomorrow, not in a few minutes, but NOW!

Patience, “they” say, is a virtue. In Hebrew, the word for “patience” is “savlanut.”  Savlanut shares the same Hebrew root as the words for “sivlot / burdens” and “sabal / porter”. Patience, can therefore be understood as the ability to carry a burden. In our case, that burden can often be time, or the burden of waiting. When do we experience this? Waiting for a response from others, waiting in traffic, waiting in line at the grocery store.

So what to do? A practice that I took on last year was to use that waiting time to count my blessings in life. Rather than letting myself get irritated at what I might be missing, I use the opportunity to reflect on what I have.

The month of April  at TAE is devoted to the practice of Patience / Savlanut. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait!

L’Shalom,

Rabbi Ted Riter

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Patience /Savlanut         

The ability to wait and have self-control is necessary for success in pre-school and beyond. Practicing patience at an early age helps children to improve their relationships and social skills. Teaching patience to children at a young age reduces meltdowns in public and helps them cope with difficult situations all through their lives.

How can we as parents and teachers help teach our children patience?

 Model patience! Be aware of your words and behavior and even your body language when you have to wait for something. Children are very perceptive and detect subtle signs of impatience.

. Whenever your child asks for something it is not necessary or even beneficial to respond immediately to their request. It is important for children to learn to wait.

 Patience level is different for every child and their ability to wait should increase with age.

 Provide children with a specific response as to when they can expect their request attended to. For example, answers such as “When I am off the phone,” “When the timer goes off” or “Tomorrow” are clear and direct. Avoid responses such as “later” which can be unclear to children.

Help your child learn to avoid the frustration of waiting by providing suggestions for what they can do while they wait!

It is important to teach your children to have patience with all things but even more important is that they have patience with themselves!!

-Contributed by Michelle Princenthal-

March -- Kavod / Honor

How many of us love to “people watch?” Airports, malls, maybe even synagogues become viewing centers. We take on the role of expert observer and cast unsuspecting souls as our research subjects. And we judge, and we judge, and we judge. Wow! Who are we to do this? And yet, we make a sport of it.

Our sages teach us that each of us is a holy soul. It is not that we have holy souls, but that we are holy souls. Thus rather than judging, we have an obligation to recognize the holiness in others and treat them in honorable ways. But how do we do this? We may not know many of the people we run into on a day-to-day basis and others we may think we know too well. And yet, it is our sacred obligation to picture others in their holiness, even if they hide it well.

Does this mean we should honor the person who dresses in an outlandish outfit? Yes.

Does this mean we should honor the salesperson who ignores us at the store? Yes.

Does this mean we should honor the person guilty of a crime? Yes; even this person is understood to be a holy soul.

Honoring others is, for some, one of the most challenging Jewish values. And yet, it is at the core of who we are as Jews and it is essential to our own spiritual growth. Seeing the holiness in others is what makes it possible to engage in tikkun olam (social action / healing the world). Acknowledging the holiness in others is what allows us to celebrate life cycle events together. Honoring the holiness of others is what brings us together as a community.

The month of March at TAE is devoted to Honor / Kavod. May we all use this time to recognize the holiness of each other, ourselves, and all the world.

L’Shalom,

Rabbi Ted Riter

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Honor (Kavod)                         

According to Jewish teaching, honor is due to each and every human being, not because of what they have achieved, but because they are a human soul. As parents and teachers and therefore models of behavior to our children, we need to develop the habit of honoring others. The first step in that direction is to catch ourselves whenever we are being inwardly judgmental or critical of others. We then need to refocus our attention away from the judgment we are making and back to the essence of that person. Another form of honoring about which Jewish tradition teaches, involves the simple act of greeting people. Jewish tradition urges us to take the lead in greeting any person we encounter.  Be the first to greet, to say hello or even just smile at another person. This is such a simple practice but it is a powerful way we can model honoring others to our children. Encouraging the following behaviors will cultivate children who honor others.

Treat other people the way you want to be treated.
Be kind and polite to others.
Listen to what other people are saying when they speak.
Stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves.

  

Contributed by -Michelle Princenthal-

February -- Chesed / Loving Kindness

When we return our torah to the ark, we often sing the following words, “Al sh’losha d’varim, ha-olam omed: al ha-Torah, v’al ha-Avodah, v’al gimilut chasadim” (poetically translated as, “The world is sustained by three things: Torah study, service to God, and acts of chesed.) We often translate chesed as “loving kindness,” but this only gets us half way there. Certainly chesed means to reach out to others, but it goes much further.  Chesed requires that we extend ourselves even when we might not want to do so. An act of chesed is one in which we give of ourselves without an expectation of anything in return – even an expression of acknowledgement or thanks.

Caring for the sick is considered an act of chesed. Visiting the bereaved is an act of chesed. Protecting our environment can even be considered an act of chesed.

Alan Morinis tells the following story:

“I once heard Rabbi Abraham Yachnes clarify the extent of the stretch that is necessary to have an action qualify as chesed. He said that if you are walking down the street and someone is walking beside you carrying a large box, and you offer to help the person carry the box, that’s not chesed. You’d simply be a terrible person not to help someone in that situation. What counts as chesed is when you are walking the opposite way from someone carrying a burden and you turn around to help carry that load in the direction he or she is going. That’s chesed.”

At TAE, the month of February is dedicated to “loving kindness” / “chesed”.  May we all commit ourselves to acts of chesed – of sustaining one another with our love and kindness.

Kindness, (Chesed in Hebrew)                                      

Our goal is to be a kind caring community where everyone —the children, parents, teachers, administration—treats everyone else with kindness.  What does that look like to us and to our children?

We help people in need… We are sensitive to people's feelings…. We are never mean or hurtful…. We care about how our actions will affect others.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to live in a kind world? A place where everyone is good to each other and there is no bullying. Children who learn to use words and acts of kindness can have a huge impact and make their home and schools better places. It’s not difficult to teach your children to be kind and that kindness has value. When you do something for others, it makes you feel good. Those great feelings can snowball into your children wanting to do more kind things.Bring more kindness into your family by modeling it for your children.  If you run a kind household, children learn what it feels like to be treated kindly. When children have done kind things let them know how proud you are of their actions.  If you catch your child in an act of kindness, give them a star on the fridge, and have those build towards a special reward.

Read and read again books encouraging kindness to your children. *The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.*The Giant Hug by Sandra Horning.*Koi and the Kola Nuts: A Tale from Liberia by Verna Aardema

"No one has yet fully realized the wealth of sympathy, kindness and generosity hidden in the soul of a child. The effort of every true education should be to unlock that treasure."-Emma Goldman

Contributed by Michelle Princenthal

 

December / January -- Histap'kut / Simplicity

For Everyone
In a season that is increasingly marked by gifts and giving, the Jewish value of “simplicity / histap’kut” may seem a bit out of touch. To be clear, Judaism has nothing against purchasing material goods and enjoying the pleasures of the world. In fact, we are encouraged to see everything as God’s creation and therefore we should embrace all that life has to offer.

At the same time, we are encouraged to follow the teaching from Pirkei Avot: “Ben Zoma said, ‘Who is wise? The one who learns from everyone . . . Who is mighty? One who controls one’s [natural] urges . . . Who is rich? One who is happy with what one has . . . Who is honored? One who honors others . . .’”

Being happy with what we have and making new purchases may seem to be concepts in competition with each other. And yet, Judaism teaches that these inclinations are only in conflict when purchasing becomes a goal in and of itself. If the purpose of an acquisition is solely to acquire more of something, our tradition teaches us that we are heading in the wrong direction.  Rather, we are encouraged to find contentment in what we already have and then we are challenged to take the next step and find happiness as well.

At TAE, the months of December and January are dedicated to simplicity / histap’kut.  May we all find riches in this practice.

For Parents

For Jewish families interested in improving their quality of life there is a practice of Simplicity embedded in Judaism. The Hebrew term is histapkut — contentment with less. If simplicity is both authentically Jewish and sensible, why do we feel uncomfortable with the practice? Why do we not all strive to live simpler lives? We are parenting in a hyper- commercialized society and there is resistance to limiting consumption for many reasons. It’s difficult to resist our children’s requests, and to resist the expectations of affluent life filled with music and sports lessons, entertainment, vacations, and a stream of new clothes, electronics, toys and sports equipment. In Blessings of a Skinned Knee, psychologist Wendy Mogel says that Jewish values should work to limit these expectations, which are in the long run destructive for children, who need limits. In an environment saturated with advertising, it is difficult for parents to resist pressure from their children, and messages from society telling them they should give their children every advantage. The real advantage we can give our children is healthy values and a loving community. Simplifying life is a process, done most effectively with the support of others in our community who are doing the same. Let’s demonstrate to our children that what we have is a gift, not an entitlement. By training ourselves to be satisfied with what we have we are teaching our children to do the same. If we have a greater emphasis on spiritual rewards and values and focus on community involvement, the quality of our lives can’t help but be enriched!

(Contributed by Michelle Princenthal)

November -- Gratitude / Hakarat Ha-tov

For Everyone
Gratitude comes so easily to us . . . when things are going well. It is the rest of the day that can be a challenge.

The term “gratitude” in Hebrew is translated as “recognizing the good / hakarat hatov.” Some of us tend to take “the good” for granted. We might pay little notice to our good health until we get sick. We might give little time to a relationship until we experience a loss. We might not think twice about a purchase until we get a call from our bank.

Of course, none of these events need to be so dramatic. We know that we should count our blessings and sometimes it is just a quick reminder that gets us back on track. Seeing the plight of others might remind us of the goodness in our lives. Taking a moment to watch the sunset might clue us in to the blessings that we experience on a regular basis. Even an inspirational bumper sticker can bring a smile to our faces.

Once we have a grasp of paying attention to the good in our lives, we have the challenge of taking the next step – recognizing the good even when things are not so good.  Finding the goodness in traffic or a long line; counting our blessings when our body hurts; being thankful when we are hungry, cold or lonely. 

These might seem like insurmountable obstacles. However, our sages teach us that we can find a glimmer of light even in tragedy.  The key, they tell us, is that we need to build up our “gratitude muscles” little-by-little.  An exercise for gratitude could be: Smiling at friends and strangers alike; thanking others for even the smallest act; reciting “this too is for the good” when we catch the red light, the market goes down, or when our children are texting their friends in the middle of dinner.

At TAE, the month of November is dedicated to gratitude / recognizing the good / hakarat hatov.  By the time Thanksgiving arrives, may we all have a new appreciation for the blessings in our lives, and in this way become greater blessings to each other.

For Parents 
Gratitude is simply a way of looking at things. We often learn true gratitude from the ones we feel sorry for. A homeless child can teach us to be grateful for having a home to live in, even if it isn’t our dream home. An ill person can teach us to be grateful for being able to go outside and take a walk or play. A person too sick to go outside was once noted as saying,” I can’t go out. I can’t run. I can’t be out there without fear of getting sick. But you know what? I appreciate that window more than you do…I look out that window every day. I notice the change in the trees, how strong the wind is blowing…I am drawn to nature like I’m seeing it for the first time." Children can be trained to search for a silver lining in any situation. Obstacles that get in the way of our gratitude may be golden opportunities if we allow ourselves to look at them that way. Our lives get so busy and hectic that we do not look at these obstacles as possible reasons for gratitude. We are accustomed to noticing what is broken, what still needs to be done and what we want but don’t have. To help teach children an attitude of gratitude play a game with them to try and find the hidden blessing in a difficult situation. Let your children know what you are grateful for and why you are grateful for them. Offer a reward to your child when they can turn a bad situation into a blessing. Work together as a family and find the silver lining around your cloud!

(Contributed by Michelle Princenthal )



Click here for an exercise for Gratitude